The Desire of the Depressed: Life and Freedom

At the gym and ready to sweat it out to the Dixie Chicks but I had forgotten my headset. So it was either 30 minutes of talking to myself while watching sweat drip off my forehead or losing brain cells while tuning into the ever popular sitcoms. Since I didn't have much to say to myself and my life was drama free at this moment I opted for the sitcoms and loss of brain cells. Flipping channels I landed on an infomercial advertising help for those deep in the throes of anxiety and depression. The topic of depression and its many facets has piqued my interest ever since I walked through that valley several years ago. I was curious how they would describe depression and view its cure. The infomercial was filled with glowing testimonials of where these sad hearts had been and where they were going with their new found life. As my legs clipped along so did my brain and thank goodness, for the more I became absorbed in the infomercial the less I heard my legs screaming at me that it had been a while. I took to analyzing these character's stories; specifically noting their confessions of lifelessness and bondage as a sign of their depression. These two themes emerged from each their well-rehearsed speeches. But why? Was it a coincidence that these topics were touched on by each sufferer? Were they instructed to stress them by their employer? Or were these people really speaking from their hearts? Although some reported that they had never really lived until now, others suggested that their life left each time depression struck. Their voices still ring in my ears "I want my life back", "I never knew what living was until now". Along with their desire to really live came their desire for freedom. They felt captivated by their depression with no hope of release. They felt helpless and hopeless. They felt that depression was the boulder that was pulling them under the tossing waves to a watery grave. Life and freedom; it is all they wanted. It almost seems simplistic when I looked at it like that. My legs slowed down as I contemplated the tension between the physical reasons for depression and the spiritual component. My nurses training reminded me that most certainly there can be a chemical imbalance but a life time relationship with God turned my thoughts to the spiritual aspect. I dare not forget that humanity combines tangible and intangible; body and spirit. They are inextricably linked from the moment of conception to the last breath of death. The body without the spirit is dead. Such weighty topics for a workout pastime yet there was no going back, I was captured by the gripping reality that it was these people’s spirits crying; crying for life and freedom. More and more sober thoughts trickled into my analytical mind as I contemplated my life; my life with God. God is the giver of life and promises freedom from the bondage of sin to those who believe in His name. The flood gates were open now and thoughts rushed in like crashing waves. The waves alternated between compassion and overwhelming appreciation as I realized that as a child of God I enjoyed both life and freedom. Compassion and tears poured out of my heart as the images from the infomercial reappeared in my mind. This is what life is like without God and His truth. These are the feelings, emotions, thoughts and actions of a person devoid of the presence of God. Tears of compassion turned to tears of gratitude at the recognition of the immense gift that had been bestowed on me at my salvation. I had been given a vibrant existence and liberty to live as I was created to do. Even in the darkness of my depression I had always possessed life and freedom because my God never abandoned me in that black and tearful night.

Dreams: The Color and Movement of our Lives

I let my eyes wander to the tan colored rug with gray flowers that covers my office floor. It is littered with cherry red felt hearts, burlap, scissors, needles, bits of black embroidery floss, swirls of black and white polka dot ribbon and cream colored cardstock. Yes, it is February 22 and my loved ones have yet to receive my attempt at hand crafted valentines. Sigh. On the floor next to my cushy reading chair where I am perched are two brightly colored nursing journals with catchy subtitles from last year that I hope to read. The shinny purple wrappers from dark chocolate Hershey kisses that clutter my desk catch my tired gaze and remind me of my commitment to a healthy lifestyle. Each of these scenes represents a dream that once filled my mind my aspiring mind. Before discouragement sets in I recall a scene from one of my favorite movies Marilla Cuthbert: You set your heart too much on frivolous things and then crash down into despair when you don't get them. Anne Shirley: I know. I can't help flying up on the wings of anticipation. It's as glorious as soaring through a sunset... almost pays for the thud. Marilla Cuthbert: Well, maybe it does. But I'd rather walk calmly along and do without flying AND thud. Quote from the movie Anne of Avonlea Yes, truly what would our lives look like without our dreams, without our hopes, without our aspirations. Our worlds would be gray and eerily still for our dreams color and move our lives. They are the vibrant color on our black and white pages. They are the gentle breeze or rushing gale that pushes us toward an end. They are what propels our actions and thoughts. They are the bright hope that tomorrow will be different and more beautiful than today. You may think dreams are the frosting on the cake or the frills on a dress; that they are an unnecessary but pleasant part of life. I am here to tell you that dreams are the framework on which the rest of our life is built; they are the cake not the frosting. They are the dress not the frills. Dreams are guidance and structure for our lives. They are vital to our existence as humans. Everyone has a vision whether large or small, many or just one, subconscious or conscious. Some visions are as simple and unformulated as getting out of bed in the morning while others are elaborate and weighty as raising a child in the fear of the Lord. Some goals may take a moment to complete others a lifetime. Some aspirations are attainable like a dress size or a graduating from school while others may be a bit more lofty like flying to the moon in a spacecraft. Our visions make our decisions for us; they discipline us now so we can soar later. My eyes twinkle, my heart races and my smile bursts at the mere thought of a new dream! My heart sings “Oh the possibilities!!” as I clasp my hands in rapture. But before I abandon my rationalism and dive into the sparkling and enticing water of my vision pool, I must carefully consider the happy thoughts dancing in my head. Because of the certain and weighty impact goals will have on the direction of my life, they must be filtered through the siv of the Word of God and its principles. I need to ask myself some provoking questions. Does God’s Word speak specifically to this topic? Is this dream sinful? Will this vision consume me so I neglect my God given responsibilities? Can I use this dream to serve others and God? Will this aspiration promote the lifestyle God requires of me? Am I looking for satisfaction and self-worth in the accomplishment of this goal instead of Christ? Can I give glory to God at the attainment of my goal or will I seek the accolades of men? Will I be able to maintain my character as I press toward this vision? If my hopes comes crashing down around me will I lose my faith in God or my integrity? While these questions do not keep me from dreaming and hoping, (because I could not even if I tried) they do keep me from soaring away from my God on the wings of anticipation. So I let my heart dream! Dream while I am sleeping! Dream when I am awake! But I must dream to the glory of God for He is the One who given my heart the ability to do so. Ps 33:13-15 “The Lord looks from heaven; He sees all the sons of men; From His dwelling place he looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth, He who fashions the hearts of them all and He who understands their works. “

Light in My Darkness

The son calmly motions me toward the room where his mother rests. His face has changed from before; now it is relaxed and deflated just like all his emotion has drained out. He says “Could you…” I nod and walk with him. He says “I think she….” I say quietly “oh…yes” Wincing mentally as I comprehend his broken hearted half sentences. Apprehension fills my heart and I enter the room quietly. I gently place my stethoscope over her heart. Expecting to hear silence, I am surprised to hear the heart “flickering”. It is not beating but it is not silent. Slowly the flicker fades and I hear the darkness, the darkness of death. My face flushes and tears prickle my eyes. Taking off my stethoscope I look up to the son’s now tearful face and say “I am sorry. I am so sorry”. I hug him, saying it over and over again. “I am sorry, I am so sorry” Oh the darkness that surrounds us in this world. I have seen and felt the darkness but that day I heard the darkness. I heard the darkness of sadness, pain and emptiness; the pain and sadness of a son watching his mother die and the emptiness of a husband losing his wife of 60 years. Yes it is true the darkness of pain and the darkness of sin permeates our everyday lives. Yet this sobering reality does not overwhelm the fact that God is light. What a glorious light it is for He is good and just. His beauty cannot be hidden by the night. God shines His radiance in our darkened world yet we refuse to see it. We like to live in our shadows and spurn the light for it exposes our sin and ugliness. His light is seen in the splendor and intricacy of nature and in our very existence as humans but we will not acknowledge that truth. Most importantly His light is seen in His gracious salvation. He sent his Son to be the Light of the World yet they crucified Him because He brought the light. To this day we as humans still reject God’s Son. We reject His Light. God does not want mankind to live in darkness so to those who accept His salvation He promises light. The darkness threatened my soul that day as I despaired to see the pain and suffering. Yet because I had accepted God’s salvation my flame continued to burn brightly. His light poured down on me as He reminded me through His kindness that I no longer lived in the darkness. He reminded me that though I may hear, see and feel the darkness I am full of His light. My heart can truthfully and passionately say of God “For You light my lamp; The Lord my God illumines my darkness”

When God Withdraws His Hand

Lub Dub, Lub Dub, Inhale, Exhale, Lub Dub, Lub Dub, Inhale, Exhale. Life consist s of these two cadent rhythms. There is something peaceful about listening to the regular beating of a heart or feeling a chest simply rise and fall. There is something comforting about these declarations; because these quiet declarations reassure the querying mind that life continues in that moment. For one more glorious moment fear is at bay and one is assured that life exists. Yes for that instant the minds of the vigilant wife and the increasingly attentive nurse are relieved of their anxiety.

Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale; faster and faster; inhale, exhale, inhale exhale. Fear pours out of his eyes as he grips the bed trying to catch his ever fleeting breath. His whole body heaves as it strains to obtain the life giving oxygen provided with each gasping breath. Beep, beep, beep goes the oxygen monitor screaming for the nurse to take action. In her head the nurse squaks back, “I hear you, what do you think I am doing?” She fearfully yet dutifully glances at the number. Her stomach drops and heart starts pounding out of her chest. For a moment all she can hear is her heart and the incessant beeping. Adreniline has now sufficiently made it through her entire body and it is fight or flight….FIGHT.

So the battle ensues. The nurse fights. The doctor fights. The patient fights. The respiratory therapist fights. Other nurses fight. The once peaceful room is now flooded with people, equipment and loud verbal communication yet there is very little chaos for they know what to do. They fight as team of individuals each carrying out their own specific duty to insure that this man’s life continues in the next moment. They fight for his life in this world. For a half an hour the battle continues to rage although to no avail.

Although their fight was a valiant and worthy one, they are but mere humans beings of flesh and bone; it is not in their power to give or sustain life. How can one piece of grass sustain another? This team, although capable professionals, were not allowed to win this noble fight, the fight for this man’s life. The power which they did possess was given them by their Creator. THE all powerful God is the one who sustain our lives; not nurses, doctors or medicine. He graciously allows every human being their next breath for it is His kind will to do so. God has numbered our days down to our last heart beat. When God withdraws His hand the two peaceful cadent rhythms of life cease to sing; the chest no longer rises and falls and the lub dub of the heart is no longer audible. When God withdraws His hand our spirit leaves our body and flees into eternity. The day we are born we are destined for eternity. Our very life and breath is given us not to be squandered selfishly but to be used up for the glory of the Creator and Sustainer of life.

Living Hell

Ten hours down and two more to go until the end of my shift yet it feels like an eternity, an eternity in Hell. Tears fill my eyes and spill down my cheeks as stare out the window and mentally try to block out the incessant banging, crashing, moaning and barely audible but intensely desperate whispers. My heart has broken countless times; my patience has dried up; my nerves are raw; I am physically exhausted and I have run out of kind words. Yet I am only an observer to the torture this man is experiencing; torture like one hates to imagine. Yet I find myself wondering….
What it must be like for my body to be in constant writhing and uncontrollable motion. What it must be like to feel my leg flying straight up in the air and slamming itself down on the bed with a thud. What it must be like to feel my hips twisting side to side as if on a hinge. What it must be like to feel my head bobbing up and down and shaking back and forth, flagrently disregarding my mental commands to cease. What it must be like to finally find myself at rest in the fetal position but only for a split second for both my feet shoot out and dive over the edge of the bed leaving me half in and half out. What it must be like to find that my toes will not stop tapping not matter how sternly I tell them to be still; to sense my jittery hands tugging and picking at my covers for no apparent reason. There go my legs again and now they are near my face; I watch in bewilderment as they dart out in opposite directions before sprawling awkwardly on my bed. My tongue forces its way out of my mouth like a caged lion and now I am tossing and turning at a high rate of speed. Stillness and peace do not exist in my world. As the seconds of my life tick by so does my body. While my body writhes so does my mind for all my will power and determination cannot quiet this wild beast. This must be a nightmare….somebody help! “Help me, help me” I yell, yet no audible words come out. So I scream louder and more clearly pronouncing each syllable yet only a slight groan escapes.….
I am jerked out of my painful ponderings of this man’s misery just in time to avoid getting clocked in the head by a flying foot. Last time I was not so lucky and took a beating to the stomach. (Sigh) Unfortunately this is not a nightmare, this is a reality. This is a living Hell. This is Chorea in Huntington’s Disease. Sickness, disease, pain and death permeate the world; there is not a single person that has escaped their clutches. Why? Why do people suffer so? Ultimately it is because of sin, not because of a virus, bacteria, genes, toxins, free radical or carcinogens. When sin entered the World in the Garden of Eden so did death and its process. Sin brought physical and spiritual death to humanity. Sin made us enemies of the Most High God instead of adoring children. Sin severed that beautiful relationship that we were created to have with God and left us in a helpless miserable state on our way to the eternal Hell. While we may not be able to escape pain and suffering in this life, if we accept the salvation God has offered to us, He promises us His loving presence and a relationship with Him during our stay on earth and an eternity in Heaven with Him. We may experience Hell in this life but that does not mean we have to live there for eternity.

Holding His Hand

I nod as I walk into the room; physically and mentally assenting to my nurse’s reminder that I was there for his safety. Patients with severe head trauma are at a great risk for hurting themselves because their brains are not functioning properly. Taking stalk of the situation in one glance, I notice many things.

The patient is obviously very agitated and not in touch with the world as we know it. I see him squirming and wrigling, with flailing arms and legs, figetty hands, a sweaty furrowed brow, and dark confused eyes that randomly appear through his half open eyelids. His movement s are jerky and unintentional. Much to my relief I notice four shiny silver hand cuffs each one restraining one of his extremities. Along with the comfort these silver restraints bring, they also bring the reality that I am not caring for an innocent man. In case I was not so quick to pick up on this, the guard in the room reminds me. In attempt to calm his agitation and decrease the chance of him doing great harm to himself, I try many different measures ranging from turning the lights off to giving him medication. One of the more successful methods (although none were particularly effective) was just holding his hand. So that is what I did.

Toward the end of my 12 hour shift the guard hands me the local paper suggesting that I read an article that had been written about my patient’s situation. Knowing very little of the details of what brought my patient to the hospital and what had landed him in prison, I decided it would be worth my time. “OH MY, OH MY!” was all that I could think. I was in shock! All day long I had been holding the hand of a man that had been convicted of 2nd degree murder!

If I had known at the beginning of my shift who this man really was, would I have tried as hard to keep him safe? Would I have tried as hard to keep him comfortable? Would I have been as kind to him? Would I have held his hand?
As I pondered these revealing questions my heart is pierced as I recalled a similar situation in my life. Jesus Christ, knowing my wicked, rebellious heart and seeing my miserable helpless condition still chose to love me passionately and unconditionally. To me, the one who was once His enemy, the one who hated and ran from Him, the one who personally offended and offends Him, the one who sent Him to the cross to die a cruel death, to me His murderer, He gave eternal life. He gave His life so that I may live and have a personal relationship with the God of the universe. (Now that is what I call living!) He pulled me out of my wretched state and gave me hope. He gave me hope that there is more to life than this miserable existence. He calmed my agitated heart and brought a peace that overwhelmed my mind and body leaving me tranquilly resting in His arms. He loosened those restraining bonds of sin and freed me to do what I was created to do, serve Him. My Savior did all of this for me and yet I wanted to refrain from a simple act of kindness. My Savior gave His life and yet I did not want to hold this man’s hand.

Is There Really Such A Thing?

What do a stormy ocean, a rollercoaster and a boiling kettle of water have in common? They can all describe our emotions. Recently a question was posed “Is there such a thing as an emotionally stable woman?” From the males participating in the discussion there was a resounding “NO!” and I must admit there were even girls that agreed. Part of my divided heart joins their resounding affirmation of the emotional instability of women. It is with sadness that I agree because I have seen it day after day, month after month and year after year. I have seen the pain and sadness, the ravaged relationships and ruined lives that these women have left in their wake.

Yet I can’t quite reconcile my heart to believe that all women live in such a manner. Why you may ask? Because I have seen these rare and precious jewels. They are hidden in the dark and dingy gravel of the road. They are buried in the jagged muddy rock piles. They are next to the ordinary pebbles at the bottom of a stream. But I have seen them because my eye is caught and captured by their beauty. You can’t help but see them and once you have, you can’t take your eyes off of them. Let me describe them to you. To be emotionally stable does not mean that you do not experience emotions, for God created us to think and feel and experience emotion. It is the emotionally stable woman that does not let her emotion dictate her actions. She chooses to filter her thoughts and feelings and emotions of joy, anger, sadness, frustration, pity, hope & hopelessness, discouragement, contentment, fear, and happiness through the Word of God. Although she may be experiencing an emotion she does not always act on it. She chooses to act according to what she knows the Word of God says. God is her foundation and she clings to Him so that she is not tossed around and carried away by her emotions. She is emotionally stable because her foundation is stable. She is like the gravel, rocks and pebbles in that she experiences the same emotions that they do but her brilliance is seen as she walks calmly and serenely through life saying “He only is my rock and my salvation; My stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken.” Ps 62:2